Remember When Episode 2: A Family of Skunks Ruined My 8th Grade


This is a story that I have been avoiding for a long time. I haven't even talked about this on the podcast. I genuinely think this shit gave me legitimate trauma.

    Our story starts in the winter of 8th grade. A pivotal year for a young child. King of school, every single thing you do is judged and if you fuck up enough it could LITERALLY ruin your entire high school career. Anyways it was standardized test day and I was NOT happy about it, I don't think anybody enjoyed those stupid things. I wake up like every other normal day, but something was off. I woke up in a fog, literally. There was fog everywhere and it smelt like burning tires. I didn't think anything of it cause I'm in 8th grade dog I didn't care about anything. 

    I get down stairs after my shower and that is when it really hits me the stench of skunk. Not just regular skunk like a party of skunks had a no holds barred orgy in our living room stench of skunk. Burn your eyes and fill your lungs stench. What the hell is going on? 

    I find my mom she for some reason seems to think that a skunk died outside and it was nothing, so we shower and head to school like a normal Tuesday. Buddy it was never a normal Tuesday. This day will live on in infamy for the rest of my life. 

    We were in school, specifically I was in health class. I know who the fuck thought it was a good idea to let a 8th grader sit through STD talk at 7:30 in the morning, but whatever. I sit down and about 10 minutes into class people around me start to move to other parts of the room. My dumbass was like "Huh they must want to sit closer to friends." No sir. They were moving from Pepe La Pew in the back of the class. I lasted another 15 minutes before my teacher pulled me outside and told me that I was too stinky to be in class. Because that stench that I had smelt this morning had latched itself like a leech to me. That's when I was finally like "Mother it is time to get me the fuck out of here before I am skunky the rest of my life". 

    After I get picked up I realize that all of my siblings were also in the car. Have you ever had a moment in time where you realize that something is bigger than yourself. Like one day you were wondering why this summer has been dumb hot and it hits you that the Earth is on the verge of collapse and polar bears and dying? That was this moment for me. Turns out that my dad had gone to let the dogs out early that very morning and one of my dogs lead an entire family of skunks into our garage and right up to the open doorway. Where my dad being as shocked as any normal human would scared them. This let out what can only be described as an atomic bomb worth of noxious gas into our home. Remember the fog I woke up to yea that was skunk venom all through out our home. 

    My dad had to come home from work, we had to evacuate our home because it wasn't safe to breath, professional "crime scene" clean up crews were sent in and we spent an ENTIRE week at a laundry mat cleaning literally everything that we owned. To this day there is still a section of our garage that on a very hot day emits a slight skunky odor. 

    I guess if there was anything that could have been learned from this traumatic event it's that 8th grade really means jack shit. I thought it was over for me I was going to live my life in the trash where I belong. No nothing long termed happened from this, except for a paralyzing fear of skunks and a strange smelling spot in our garage.



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